To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
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We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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