New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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