My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
