You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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