i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
