During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
