I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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