I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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