i just wanna soil my oats bro
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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