I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
