are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
