I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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