I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
