i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
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the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
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I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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