At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
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Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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We're too hungover to prance.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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