Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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