Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
