He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
