So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
