Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
