look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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