she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You are a genius and a whore.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
