I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
