omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
