Apparently you make a good broom.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize