I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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