You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
