well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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