No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
