Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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