Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
