I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
