I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
