I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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