youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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