I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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