Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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