Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
