oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
