I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
