I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
