I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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