how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
