He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Randomize
