Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
