If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
