Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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