For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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