3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
