how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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