I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
