shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
