i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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