dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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