I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
