I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
