You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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