he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
