So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
