the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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