my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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