new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
