So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
