Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
