I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
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