worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
